What Is Coaching

Does it promote polarity/gender biases (ie. Men are supposed to lead and take control; women desire to be taken care of and to submit)?

• People who promote a certain dynamic aren't interested in the unique dynamic your relationship is and what will be most fulfilling for each of you. Relationships are completely customizable to whomever is in them.

Do they post inclusive content (ie. Would it apply to non-hetero/binary relationships)?

• A lot happens in relationships. People who consider aspects outside of social/historical/their norm are more open to listening without a bias or framework in mind. Also, even if people identify as straight, it doesn't promote complete safety and openness if someone has a fantasy (whether or not they would actually want to act on it is irrelevant).

Do they talk about sex?

• Unless each person in the relationship is asexual, sex is a HUGE part of relationships: Drives, likes, fantasies, open communication, etc. If a coach isn't willing to go there or isn't comfortable facilitating these discussions openly, it doesn't promote safety in vulnerability and disclosure, nor addresses one of the root causes that relationships struggle with resolving.

When they advertise sessions, is it only for sessions you're in together?

• When people decide to improve their relationship with a professional, they're at a point where there's already significant build up (ie. Communication isn't happening easily; emotions/reactions are heightened; trust/confidence has broken down or is impacted). Having individual time, as well as partnered time, allows for full transparency and unhindered communication leading to enhanced understanding.

They only talk surface level or 'love and light'.

• Life is about experiences, and relationships are one of the biggest "tells"/triggers of unhealed trauma/biases/mentalities. Each person has multiple stories and experiences of why they perceive situations/people the way they do. We model what we've learned. Certain milestones can be a trigger (ie. Marriage: people completely changing their relationship dynamic/behaviour because they perceive a spouse to act a certain way vs someone who is 'merely' a partner/boyfriend/girlfriend). Is your coach open regarding talking about trauma/"dark shit" without judgment?

When chatting with a potential coach, do they use your words or do they substitute their own?

• Languaging has nuance and each word will mean something different to each person, depending on their experience and internal representation (Ie. If I say the word 'blue': some will think of the sky, water, royal blue, navy blue, sadness, their child's eyes, favourite blanket/shirt, etc. Another example: Client kept saying the word 'Peace' in our session. Peace to them was the equivalent of a happy, laughing children running through the house.) If your coach/potential coach is interchanging your words, they are choosing their own narrative over yours.

Do they only talk about the relationship between partners?

• The quality of your relationship with yourself determines the quality of your relationship with another. If your coach isn't taking into account who you are as an individual, the relationship will be molded into who each of you are currently, which doesn't take into account who you are when you're each at your peak and how to grow together from there.

They're automatically a good relationship coach if they're currently in a long-term relationship.

• Maybe-yes, maybe-no. Have you known people in long-term relationships that are unhappy, settling, staying for kids or pretenses? Have you known of friends who are in relationships and are happy/confident in most of their life, but talk about how they are more roommates than lovers with their partners? This is just as much a possibility for coaches. They are humans too. What to look for: Are they honouring their own life and desires? Do they embody trust, confidence, and communication (the foundation for any healthy relationship)?

They're a good relationship coach if there are lots of photos of them on social media with their partner.

• Maybe-yes, maybe-no. People, especially business owners, control their narrative and what gets published on their feeds. Does your potential coach talk about the good, bad, and the ugly? I don't mean, 'Do they air their dirty laundry?' - that would be a red flag. I mean:

1. Do they bring up their insecurities?
2. Do they bring up a recent misunderstanding, how it was experienced in that moment, and how it was resolved?
3. Are they vulnerable and willing to show what something looks like, with no filter?
4. Which is more important: the message/lesson or the professionalism/appearance of the post?